A surgeon advised a musician who played the violin that he would have to undergo an operation. The patient said, “But, Doc, I have concerts booked already. If you operate, can I be assured that I will be able to play the violin in two weeks’ time?” So the doctor said, “No problem, no problem. The last patient on whom I performed this operation was playing a harp within 24 hours.” No, I guess he just means a real harp, but it sounds like he plays it in Heaven. Gone. It’s so funny that you all understood so quickly. I’m amazed; it took me a while when I read it.
It’s called “The Lawnmower.” One summer, when the power mower, the mower of the grass, power mower, the power mower… Look at that. They just make me trouble. OK. …was broken, and it wouldn’t run. So, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should fix it, get it fixed. But the message was never received well by the other end, like all the men, they don’t listen. That’s what they say. So finally, the wife thought of a very clever way to drive home the point. So, when the husband arrived home that day, the wife was sitting in the tall grass, busy snipping away the grass with a tiny pair of sewing scissors, just to hint that the power mower should be fixed. The husband watched quietly for a while and then went into the house. And then he came back out, and he handed the toothbrush to the wife. He said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you can sweep the sidewalk with it.” God! He never gets it, does he? (No.) Tries not to understand, huh?
I told this joke already somewhere but never mind. I think we have not had it on [Supreme Master] TV and maybe you didn’t get the DVD, so here goes. A lady called her butler into her bedroom. You know what a butler is, right? (Yes.) Rich people, they have butlers, like housekeepers. So, her butler is a man; mostly [they are] men. So, she said to him, “John!” And John said, “Yes, ma’am.” “John, take off my dress.” “Yes, ma’am,” and he removes the dress. “John, take off my bra.” “Yes, ma’am,” and he removes the bra. “Now, John, take off my shoes and stockings.” “Yes, ma’am,” he says, and removes her shoes and stockings. “Now…” the lady said, “Now, take off my panties. And I’m warning you for the last time, you are going to lose your job if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again.” Surprised, huh? Good one, huh? Good one. (Yes.) He was thinking something else. I told you. Good, huh? (Yes.) That was a good one. (It was very good.) It was neat.
Mr. Melvin phoned the doctor for an appointment, and the nurse said that in two weeks’ time, he will have an appointment with the doctor. So, Melvin said, “In two weeks? I will be dead by then.” So, the nurse said, “In that case, you can always cancel.” The appointment. No problem, right? After you die, you don’t need it, so just call in and say, “I’m not coming.”
A music teacher took her class to its first grand opera ever. The lights dimmed down, and the conductor began waving his baton while the soprano started to sing. After a long while, a student asked his teacher, “Why is the conductor waving his stick at that woman?” “Oh, don’t worry, he won’t hit her,” the teacher said to assure the student. “Then why is she screaming so loud?”
I thought I told you this joke. (No.) I mean, not you exactly, but to an audience, no? (Yes.) I did? Where? (In Florida.) In Florida, yeah, I thought so. Sorry, you have to laugh at a secondhand [joke] again. But they didn’t ever put that on [Supreme Master] TV, huh? (No, on a DVD.) Yeah, but they told me they don’t have any more jokes. They must be joking. I told them to dig all the jokes out. They must be joking.
A wife asked her husband, “Why do you go out on the balcony when I sing?” I think you know this joke. “Don’t you like to hear me singing?” The husband said, “No, I want the neighbors to see that I’m outside. I’m not beating my wife up.” Screaming out.
A doctor phoned his plumber [at] about two o’clock AM, after midnight, because he had a problem with leaking in his bathroom. So, the plumber yelled, saying, “For God’s sake, Doc, this is some time to wake me up!” So, the doctor said, “Well, you have never hesitated to call me in the middle of the night with a medical problem. Now it just happens I’ve got a plumbing emergency. So could you please come over?” There was a moment of silence, and then the plumber spoke up, “Right you are, Doctor. OK, tell me what’s wrong.” The doctor explained about the leak in the bathroom, so the plumber offered, “I’ll tell you what to do. Take two aspirins every four hours and drop them down the pipe. If the leak hasn’t cleared up by the morning, phone me at the office.” It’s emergency. It’s not very funny, but it’s OK. It’s laughable.
One day, a husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. After a few seconds, he stepped into the laundry room. He yelled to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?” Because he never used it before, of course. So, she said, “It depends.” The wife said, “What does it say on your shirt?” He yelled back at her, “University of Oklahoma!” And these are the guys who always make fun of dumb blondes. University even, that’s his university shirt even.
What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, and sensitive man? (Brave.) A rumor. Or maybe it’s science fiction.
The doctor told me to take this medicine with a hot bath. I could hardly finish drinking the bath. “Take with a hot bath.” Found that funny? (Yes.) Yeah. OK.
A man and his wife in their 60s now… Oh, OK, OK, change it first. Ah, have a rest. (No laughing while he’s changing the tape.) Yeah, no laughing. Hold it. (Hold it.) Beep. Beep. That’s it. OK.
A man and his wife, both in their 60s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. So, the wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Then, whoof, immediately she had airline cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoof, immediately he turned 90. Good fairy. (Yes.) Good fairy. (Be careful what you wish for.) Yeah. Be careful what you wish for. That’s what he advises you. Watch it. Good, nice fairy. Lousy husband, no? She has only one wish. She couldn’t wish herself to become young anymore, right? (Yes.)
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a customer with a note saying: “This bill is one year old.” The customer returned it by mail to the lawyer, and a note saying: “Happy Birthday” to the bill. Pretend not to understand.
“Are you enjoying the bus ride?” the bus driver asked. The male passenger said, “Yes, yes.” The bus driver asked again, “Then why are you riding with your eyes shut?” So, the male passenger said, “I’m OK. It’s just that I hate to see women standing.” (Oh.) We saw it somewhere else already. Oh, what do you mean “Oh.”?
A mother asked the son, “Did you take a bath today?” The son said, “Why? Is one missing?”
This is a bad one. A woman is praying to God: “Dear Lord…” Men may not want to hear this. “Dear Lord, I pray for wisdom to understand my husband. I pray for love to forgive him. And I pray for patience for his moods, because, dear Lord, if I pray for strength, I will beat him to death.” “Amen.” (Amen.) Oh, dear, you love that.
Photo Caption: “Only REAL BRIDGE Can Help You Across!”
